Sunday, February 1, 2015

13 Signs of You Quite Possibly Being a Hipster

Do you ever find yourself looking at your mirror not knowing who that person staring back at you is? In this modern world that’s controlled by mainstream media and dominated by corporations, news, as useless as it might be, is being relayed at an unprecedented rate and information is updated ever so quickly.

Between your Facebook friend’s ugly newborn’s one thousand pictures, your Twitter follower’s mitten-wearing cat, and your Instagram I don’t know what you call it’s plate of red beans, it is absolutely normal for you to have a panic attack. I mean, what trend must you follow?!

But do not be afraid! Little Stain is here to guide you! Below is a list of 13 signs of you quite possibly being a hipster:

--You don’t identify yourself as being a hipster; in fact you think hipsters are too mainstream

--You say things like “Is this Gummy Bear organic?” and “I’d rather have someone buy me a book instead of a drink” then sip your wine

--You have a self-diagnosed allergy to Gluten that you don’t fail to mention every time you get the chance in a conversation and if you don’t get the chance to do so you grab your organic iPhone and tweet about how you’re surrounded by ignorant Gluten-consuming brainwashed earthlings that can’t tell the difference between Quinoa and Couscous

--You never go shopping for clothes in shopping malls and all your sweaters were knitted by your grandmother

--You don’t eat Nutella, you eat Fair Trade Guatemalan cocoa spread

--You’re no longer content with wearing vintage, but brand eyeglasses, you now walk around with a windshield on your face

--You don’t use an alarm clock to wake up in the morning; you keep a rooster in your bedroom

--You don’t think it’s good music if it’s not classical Baroque digitally mastered by a local bathtub farmer who of course you knew before he became a band  

--You only eat vegetables that weren't tested on animals

--You’re not into blockbusters; you only go to alternative “movie-screening houses” to watch foreign movies directed by people whose last names are composed of at least 7 consonants in a row that only you and your friends can pronounce because you’ve spent the last 8 weeks in front of your mirrors practicing it

--You never use brand deodorant, but instead you roll around naked every morning in the flowers you planted in your window sill garden

--You’re no longer growing a beard; the beard is now growing you

--You never use a digital camera to share the ephemeral; you take pictures with your analog LOMO - a redundancy I know – then you develop these pictures in your dark room, then scan them, and upload them to Instagram. Hashtag No Filter of course!

Sunday, December 21, 2014

I'm On a Diet

I don’t eat this it’s too salty
I don’t eat that it’s too sweet
I don’t eat this it has poultry
I don’t eat that it has meat

Does this contain Gluten?
Oh no can’t touch that dish
It’s wrong to eat animal feelings
And I usually don’t like fish

Vegetables get me bloated
I can’t eat too much fruit
I don’t drink a lot of water
Or I can’t button up my suit

I’m allergic to nuts
I’m allergic to skin
I threw up my guts
I tied my intestine
I don’t eat this
I don’t eat that
I don’t eat anything with fat
I don’t drink
I don’t smoke
Coz I think I’m going to choke

You know what?
If only it were Bio
I’d try to eat shit
But judging by this poem
I’m already full of it!  

Thursday, June 19, 2014

The Thing With Racism

Whether you like to admit it or not, we all have racist thoughts, after all we all have a little racist inside us - or a big one, you know, depending on its race – and sometimes these thoughts find themselves out in the open, hanging in the form of words for everyone out there to hear.

But fear no more! For I have compiled a list of tactful excuses you can use to get yourself off the hook. So whenever you find yourself in a room that you’ve awkwardly silenced because of your extremely honest remarks on a certain group of people, you can break the silence by employing one or more of the following sentences:

-I’m not racist; I’m just a statistics aficionado

-I’m not racist; I hate people from the same race as mine as well

-I’m not racist; in fact I have never been able to enjoy the sight of a rainbow, that's how colorblind I am! 

-I’m not racist; I don’t even like fast cars

-I’m not racist; I’m just highly selective

-I’m not racist; I’m not even white

-I’m not racist; I also dislike mixed people

-I’m not racist; in fact I have two monkeys at home

-I’m not racist; but I’m quite observational

And last but not least:

-I’m not racist; I treat all genetic anomalies equally!

You can thank me later

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