Sunday, January 2, 2011

...of Things To Come

In accordance with the spirit of the New Year, I am coming to you with my share of predictions for the future. The following is a list of things that will ultimately happen to this delightfully absurd species called Humans.

P.S: In order to sound more psychic, no specific names or dates are mentioned.

--A new utility bill will be introduced: The Car Electricity Bill. It will be based on a formula that calculates how much the consumer has to pay based on how much the headlights, taillights, and turning signals are being used. But I guess we don’t really have to worry about paying too much here in Lebanon…

--Patients checking-in to hospitals will be reading the following disclaimer:
“The hospital is not responsible for the damage or loss of organs that may have been inside your body”

--An animal, most probably a St. Bernard dog, will be canonized (recognized as a saint) by a certain cult with its many divided branches who, by the way, all worship the same very skilled immaculately conceived carpenter. This will be in an effort to reach a broader audience due to the loss of many of its human followers to another more retarded yet newer cult.

--Politicians all over the world will be elected through a reality TV program. Each country will put its candidates in a certain house for 4 months where they will interact with each other and all their actions will be broadcasted live on a 24 hour basis, and every week a certain number will be voted off by the people based on their level of wickedness and treachery.

Two possible solutions will result of this failed program:

The first one: only the truly dishonest who can maintain their deceitfulness and duplicity for this extended period of time will make it to the end. And then of course they will bring the whole world down with their corruption.

The second one: only the truly honest and hardworking prevail. Of course, they will bring the whole world down with their good nature and horribly sincere management.

--A new team sport will be introduced to the Olympics. It will consist of 2 teammates; the first one’s role will be to pull down his shorts, squat, and poop in the other’s hand who will run for 8 meters and throw the piece of crap as far as possible.

It will have two restrictions:

1- The item thrown must be 100% human poop.
2- Persons with diarrhea are not allowed to participate.

--Banks will offer loans for buying anything; even chewing gum.

--Girls having any additional layer of tissue on their bones will be dubbed unattractive. New diet and fashion fads naturally will ensue. Or the second event will be the cause of the first…

--Breathing anything other than processed oxygen in a can, which by the way will be branded, taxed, and overpriced, will cause cancer.

--Drastic changes in the human anatomy causing the phasing out of some head and hand muscles will take place due to the disappearance of both face to face verbal communication and writing with pens.

--Due to the highly elevated levels of viruses and bacteria, any form of sexual contact between two human beings will result in their immediate death; therefore, a new appliance for procreation will be introduced. It will be slightly different for each sex but will operate following the same procedure:
A device rubs the sexual organs, extracts the sperm and ova, and sends them through tubes to the International Human Breeding Center located in now fully habitable Antarctica. There the embryos will be nursed In-Vitro until babies are formed who by turn will all be raised and schooled into uniform emotion-lacking uncreative beings.

--World War III will be broadcasted through live feed over the internet and online users will be able to take part in it while at the comfort of their homes.

--Airport security checks will involve sticking tube cams up travelers’ noses, mouths, ears, butts, vaginas, and those tiny openings at the tips of penises. Travelers of course will not mind because this is a slight inconvenience they are willing to endure in order to have a safer flight.

--The electricity problem in Lebanon will be solved thanks to a middle-aged lady from Ashrafiyyeh who, one morning while making coffee, invents power that runs on gossip.

--The Pope will be scorned by his peers and will immediately be disrobed for being too logical. His crime; suggesting actually trying to work on the unification of the church instead of just praying for it.

--Plastic will take its revenge for being rejected so much. It will turn out to be more biodegradable than formerly believed to be and fuse with the elements of nature by transforming into tiny particles that can be breathed by human beings. They will remain inside the lungs until the appropriate amount is reached. Then they will all mobilize through the blood stream and escape to the skin to fill up every available pore. The human bodies will retain and stack all the water that comes into them until eventually bloating and exploding into a million pieces releasing all the plastic that will merge and form new entities that will rule the Earth.

The End

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