Monday, March 28, 2011

Seriously, Cut It Out - Part II

--Not every single one of you that has the trifle of something that resembles a talent has to feel obliged to share it with the world. If your mother thinks you’re good this doesn’t make you good. Most of you really do not qualify for mediocrity (I wanted to say monkey feces, but the better me wouldn’t allow it). Sharing is not always caring. Sometimes it is annoying people to death with your unsophisticated “experimental” crap and then pressuring them into saying they like it just because you’re an insecure whore who needs the approval of strangers just to feel your existence is useful. You’re not inspiring anyone, you’re not aiding Earth’s rotation; in fact you’re probably making it heavier. You’re worse than the people who feel the need to leave a strong impression on every person they meet so they won’t forget about them. Actually, you may be one and the same. Seriously, cut it out.

--It equally amazes and sickens me (taking me back to feeling neutral) how many groups and organizations there are fighting for the rights of separate entities in this country when we still do not even have a system that works. Gay rights, women rights, grandmother rights, foreign maids rights, freedom for the people of whatever retarded Arabic/African country is under the spotlight, breast cancer, lung cancer, children cancer, people who have AIDS, people who do not have AIDS but are willing to get it, shemales with one testicle. Here’s an idea, why don’t you all gather your genius brains, appoint a meeting, and work on a strategy that works for everyone. I’ll even give you the moto: “We believe that everyone is equal and we should all have the same rights”. Go ahead use it, all it takes is one meeting and we can all move on with our lives. You can even say it was your idea; just spare me your boredom-induced causes and leave me alone. Seriously, cut it out.

--What are you people thinking when you declare to the world that you love a person? You’re so full of it you can’t even contain it anymore? Who cares? No one will ever feel happier for you than they can for themselves. Even when they wish you all the best, they secretly want it for themselves. Keep your happiness to yourselves. You’re not helping anyone, you’re just making them feel bad and all that negative energy cannot be good for you. Seriously, cut it out.

--All you ghosts who haunt houses must be the dumbest of all creations. Why in hell do you need a house? You have no fucking physical form! Do you know what that means? No more boundaries! You’re free! You can probably flow effortlessly breaking the rules of space and time and what do you do? You say “nooo I’m gonna stick around here inside this house on the hill and scare the people who come in; have you seen the view from up there it’s a killer!” You make me sick! Seriously, cut it out!

Monday, March 21, 2011

If Slogans Were Honest

This is what I think some of our renowned slogans would say if the companies behind them were a tad honest:

--Johnny Walker*: Let’s see you try and Keep Walking after you’ve had a couple of drinks.

--Crapaway*: Come As You Are…unless you’re naked and/or do not have any money. But if you do come by all means and leave with a lot less money and dissatisfied taste buds.

--Nike: Just Do It! Buy the freaking shoe already! We have worked hard and our name alone sells and we are frankly tired of making ads but this is necessary to avoid taxes.

--Geox Breathes…until you put your stinky feet inside it!

--MacDonalds*: With every bite an artery clogs, I’m Lovin It!

--Exotika*: We honestly don’t know what we’re doing anymore…we had really great ads, they were very creative; we fired someone and now we’re living off yesterday’s glory. One thing is for sure, our plants are still overpriced!

--Ahli Bank: You Own The Power…and we own you so we actually own the power. Now pay up!

--Cadburry: A Glass And A Half Full of Joy…followed by an hour and a half full of guilt.

--Chivaz*: Live With Chivalry…and possibly a malfunctioning liver.

--LG: Life’s Good…when you buy our products; when you don’t, not so much! In fact it becomes really crappy.

--Ellina (Lingerie): Reveal Your Identity…actually, this is quite honest; never mind!

*Spell it correctly and they pull a Benihana on your ass >:D

Monday, March 14, 2011

Seriously, Cut It Out - Part I

--Is it cold or is it me? Is it hot or is it me? Why is this question always asked and why is it accepted and answered? Isn’t sensory perception the most subjective experience one can ever have? Sure, there are thermometers that serve as guidebooks for temperatures; but, if it’s 30 outside and you are cold then it is cold. Trust in yourselves a bit and remove that question from your vocabulary. Seriously, cut it out.

--The intention behind the invention of LOL was to reduce the amount of typed letters in this quick-paced world; you have too many chat windows open at the same time and funny stories are pouring in on you and you cannot go around typing “hahahaha” everywhere. It is time and energy consuming. But when you go “loooooool” aren’t you really defying the purpose of this invention; especially when you’re most likely not laughing, not even smiling, but most probably sitting in your pajamas playing with that piece of gum that’s been in your mouth for days now? What are you trying to do? Add more life to this comatose form of communication? You’re not. Go have a face to face conversation every once and a while. Seriously, cut it out.

--When you say “in life”; you know as in “In life, one has to set priorities” or “In life, one has to have dreams and pursue them”; what is it that you want to convey exactly? Your unmatched high intellect and unrivaled philosophical deepness? What sorts of things happen and are not in life? Life is everything and everything is in it. Nothing lies outside it and while I’m on it; it is not really that difficult. In life, one has to eat before being able to shit. Spare me your complicated theories. Seriously, cut it out.

--Your daughter is first in her class? And your son is the manager of Company X in Canada? Really? Amazing! I still believe you’re a cunt though; a really smelly one; one that has yeast infection and smells like a bag of mussels that has been left for a year in room temperature. Your kids’ invented achievements didn’t change that. And I would recommend Vagisil®. Seriously, cut it out.

--OK I have a confession I need to make, I never transferred your “Hello” to its rightful recipient. I never do. Who has the time to keep track of all the hellos? This needs me to say hello to that; that wants to send back the hello to this and while I’m carrying, why not send out a couple of hellos to these, those, and the others… You care too much about that person, greet them yourself. Pick up the phone and call, send an SMS or an email. We live in the age of communications and you still choose me as your trusted service provider, really? Seriously, cut it out.

Head over to part 2 for more laughs...

Monday, March 7, 2011

People I Could Do Without - (Part II)

--Rich people who think that just because they have money they deserve to be respected. Well I have some news for you; respect isn’t just granted, it has to be earned. So the only thing you deserve is a terminal disease that would hopefully but improbably teach you how to appreciate the important things in life and realize that you are in no way better than others.
Maybe I’m being too harsh on you; this isn’t entirely your fault. This principle has been empowered by the self-respecting people that surround you who keep unzipping your pants, sliding them down, turning you around and laying a smooch on your butt. Hey, a cheek is a cheek! To those I say I hope that herpes eat your face away till there is nothing but bone. Show me with which lips you’re going to kiss butts now! HAHA!

--These enormously fat girls who for some reason that is beyond my understanding, and I am somehow understanding, decide to wear a tank top that hides nothing but their nipples and unveil every other piece of meat in their hideous corpuses. Add to them these dudes (we do not want to be sexist here) with manboobs and pregnant men bellies who wear slim fit t-shirts that leave nothing to the imagination. What’s that you say? You’re not ashamed of your body? Well that’s the problem; you should be. Go on a diet and exercise for god’s sake; you make me wish I was blind!

--People who think they are funny. You’re not!!! Now stop bothering me with your lame nonsense and leave me alone!

--People who touch me whenever they have something to say. You know these types; always with the delightful poke in the ribs or the leg or the enchanting nudge with the elbow. Hey asswipe, I hear with my ears OK? It’s not that what you’re saying has any use anyways, but I would really like to tell you how I feel about you by knocking you to the ground and kicking you in the mouth till you can speak no more!

--These drivers who are lost and stop me for directions. Just because I’m walking doesn’t mean that I’m from around, keep driving before I smash your windshield and next time do your research before wandering aimlessly! I have better things to do than to help you reach a probably useless place where you will further degrade human intelligence by interacting with a precious life form such as yourself.
(Yes I know I said human intelligence but this is only to make a clearer point.)

--People who cross the highway underneath the crossing bridge. These highly evolved supreme beings alone have managed to get hold of the ultimate secret of “The Crossing Bridge!!!” This structure has been built for the sole purpose of shading the passengers while they are crossing from one side to the other but I cannot comprehend this concept because I still am way below on the food chain.
Are there no active cells in these people’s brains? The bridge is there!!! Use it!!! What? Oh you have acrophobia? Well deal with it or you’ll have to deal with my wheels!
I’m starting a petition to pass a law that will make it illegal to pass these types by without running them over and over and over again, back and forth till they become an indivisible part of the highway asphalt.

--These small “investors” who keep opening different businesses in that shop down the street that never seems to remain operational for more than 2 months. We all know this shop, every area has one; every now and then some ambitious person comes and remodels it, fills it with the products he is so proud to be selling only to go bankrupt after a while. This is when another determined entrepreneur comes along to go through the same cycle.
Why do you keep investing in that shop? It is cursed!!! Just tear it down and go on with your lives!

--People who say “welcome” when you say “thank you” (Yes I’m attacking you as well). Now this is really something! Imagine this scenario: you do some random act of kindness to somebody; to show their gratitude, they say “oh thank you very much”.
OK that’s it! It should stop here and each of you should go their separate way. But no, you can’t have this happening, can you? You must say “welcome!”
But why? This is really insecure, the “welcome” here serves as an extra unneeded act of kindness that will in turn require another form of gratitude; usually a smile from the other person or a pat on the back or whatever. They thanked you, be happy with it and just move on to your next pointless act!

--Everyone else not mentioned here. Come to think of it, I could do without everybody!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

People I Could Do Without - (Part I)

--People who announce on Facebook events’ walls that they cannot make it because they are in a different country. Yes thank you very much, I am very well aware of the fact that there is more than one country on this planet and I even verified this piece of information by using Google Earth because you see I am incapable of performing this intricate act of buying a ticket and traveling to see another country. What I am not aware of is where you are and quite frankly I don’t care, all I wanted to know was if you were attending or not. You’re not? OK, everything that follows that qualifies as too much information or TMI as coined by Ms. Rita Sejaan, abbreviation genius among other things.

--These whiny bastards who log on to MSN and/or Facebook to declare to the world that they are “not in the mood” or they wish not to be disturbed. Well screw you! Please be sure that I’m going to do my best to disturb you so you either get in the mood or get off the freaking web and keep all that negative energy to yourself; there’s already enough of it to go around as it is.

--Guys who buy a Kia Picanto and for some reason immediately feel that they have to tune it up to cover the ensuing shrinking of their penises. Is anyone other than me fed up with them and their aluminum rims, their bodyworks and designs and this roar in the engine, god this fake roar in the engine!!! The other day I was jogging and I heard this thundering roar so I turned around expecting to see a military invasion with tanks and all just to catch a glimpse of a tiny 35 centimeter long Picanto passing me by!
Guys, buying an economic car like that is a mature decision; it is pocket friendly as well as eco friendly. So there’s no need to feel insecure about it; you know, unless you really have a tiny penis.

--These guys, these macho dudes with their gelled up spiky hair who have nothing better to do than to drive around in their old crappy BMW’s all day and all night while blasting the soothing music of Georges Wassouf. Now they are hopeless, this is the best that can come out of them; however, I cannot help but wonder why Georges Wassouf? Then I came to the realization that his lovely squealing pitch is the only thing audible above the warming bass notes that come trembling out of these wonderful subwoofers they have installed in their sorry excuse for a car.

--Political parties with their politically active members who contribute to the input of traffic jam by organizing parades and festivals that all include honking car horns, waving flags and pictures of their retarded repulsive leaders who not once have put forward a nationalistic cause supporting a unified Lebanon and believed in it.
Building a decent country doesn’t get achieved by honking to those who destroyed it.
I hope you all attain the ultimate goal you are seeking: having Lebanon all for yourselves; which means that you would have to eliminate each other one by one. Maybe this way I can have some peace.

--These political savvies who ask me if I heard what x politician said and what do I think about it and its implications bla bla bla. No I did not hear it, I never have, and I never will, deal with it! It doesn’t matter what they say, they’re gonna keep sinking this country further and further down until it is no more and quite frankly I have other things to worry about right now, I have a life thank you very much.

--These curious know-it-all wiseasses who ask me what do I think about the aliens visiting us. Hhhhh I can’t believe this crap has reached this country. OK what do I think? Here’s what I think: Why would aliens come visit us, are we that evolved as a species? And suppose we are, what makes you think they are that evolved? And even if they are, why would their mode of communication be compatible with ours? What if they already have been communicating with cockroaches for years and years? Makes you reconsider these tiny antennas they have, doesn’t it?
Besides, how considerate and thoughtful of our fellow aliens to make the effort and take a 1 billion year trip in space just to come check us out, see if we’re doing fine and when they see how wonderfully we are cooperating as a group, they turn back and take the same trip home. Hmmm interesting…

--Mike Feghaly

--People who think they know my own good better than I do. You don’t!!! Just because it works for you it doesn’t mean that it will work for me. Stop giving me advices I haven’t asked for and let me figure out this life on my own. “Believe in this god” “You shouldn’t eat this, here eat that” “Don’t do any more tattoos” “Vote for this one”. I swear, to whichever divinity I choose to believe in, next time you approach me with one of your revelations I’m sticking it up your big fat nosy ass. 

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