--Is it cold or is it me? Is it hot or is it me? Why is this question always asked and why is it accepted and answered? Isn’t sensory perception the most subjective experience one can ever have? Sure, there are thermometers that serve as guidebooks for temperatures; but, if it’s 30 outside and you are cold then it is cold. Trust in yourselves a bit and remove that question from your vocabulary. Seriously, cut it out.
--The intention behind the invention of LOL was to reduce the amount of typed letters in this quick-paced world; you have too many chat windows open at the same time and funny stories are pouring in on you and you cannot go around typing “hahahaha” everywhere. It is time and energy consuming. But when you go “loooooool” aren’t you really defying the purpose of this invention; especially when you’re most likely not laughing, not even smiling, but most probably sitting in your pajamas playing with that piece of gum that’s been in your mouth for days now? What are you trying to do? Add more life to this comatose form of communication? You’re not. Go have a face to face conversation every once and a while. Seriously, cut it out.
--When you say “in life”; you know as in “In life, one has to set priorities” or “In life, one has to have dreams and pursue them”; what is it that you want to convey exactly? Your unmatched high intellect and unrivaled philosophical deepness? What sorts of things happen and are not in life? Life is everything and everything is in it. Nothing lies outside it and while I’m on it; it is not really that difficult. In life, one has to eat before being able to shit. Spare me your complicated theories. Seriously, cut it out.
--Your daughter is first in her class? And your son is the manager of Company X in Canada? Really? Amazing! I still believe you’re a cunt though; a really smelly one; one that has yeast infection and smells like a bag of mussels that has been left for a year in room temperature. Your kids’ invented achievements didn’t change that. And I would recommend Vagisil®. Seriously, cut it out.
--OK I have a confession I need to make, I never transferred your “Hello” to its rightful recipient. I never do. Who has the time to keep track of all the hellos? This needs me to say hello to that; that wants to send back the hello to this and while I’m carrying, why not send out a couple of hellos to these, those, and the others… You care too much about that person, greet them yourself. Pick up the phone and call, send an SMS or an email. We live in the age of communications and you still choose me as your trusted service provider, really? Seriously, cut it out.
Head over to part 2 for more laughs...