Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Creative Slaughter - Medieval Cleansing

For those of you who are new here, I have started the slaughter last week.

As for the others, enjoy this week's list:

--Anyone who works in advertising: supermarket promoters, telemarketers, graphic designers, copywriters, directors, creative directors, sales people, you name it. They shall all be invited to participate in an advertising competition, the thing they love the most. The game is this: they will all be split into groups and all the groups have to pitch in and try to sell ideas and products to the other groups. Of course, we all know that this will get rather difficult because they are all masters of deceit and will immediately uncover each other’s techniques and approaches; however, no one can leave until contracts are signed. The groups that buy any product or idea will have huge billboards inserted up their assholes causing them to bleed incessantly. Eventually one group will be left standing, the winners, the kings, the titans of advertising. This group will win a prime time TV spot ad of them being continually raped by philosophers and idealists till they ultimately die of either too much chafing or too much pleasure. 

--Guys who wear golden man rings with precious stones on their fingers. A new brand of rings with hidden poisonous remote controlled spikes on the inside will be introduced to the market. Getting it out there and selling it will be a bit tricky because there is no one left to promote it but I will get to it. Whenever anyone wears this ring I will be notified. Then I will press a little button which will provoke the poisonous spikes to come out and stick in his fingers turning him and all his body into stiff gold. Of course the eyes will be the precious gems.

--Guys who wear closed shoes without socks. But these individuals will die one day from the smell of their own feet, so that’s done.

--Guys and girls whose sign isn’t Scorpio and have a tattoo of a scorpion. They shall all be given ferocious cats as presents. For those of you who have seen a cat kill a scorpion, you get the picture. For those of you who haven’t; well, let’s just say that there will be claws, a lot of scratching, and barrels of blood.

--Girls with very thin eyebrows, and guys too. Since these people hate hair that much, why not shave their whole heads and bodies? Then they will be obliged to sit naked in the sun for endless hours till they get skin cancer or become lepers. If that didn’t work, I shall put them in a space shuttle and send them directly to the sun. By doing this, uncertainty will be out of the way.

--Guys with very thin sideburns. This one is easy. All I have to do is grab a thin razorblade, follow the sideburn line, cut the face accordingly, and feed it to them. I don’t care if some of them survive, they’re better looking now.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Creative Slaughter - The Beginning of the End

If you think that I’ve gone soft or mellowed out, well you better think again. I’ve been keeping an eye on things and I came to the realization that some people should have been exterminated by now and since nobody is doing anything about it, I thought I should take matters into my own hands. Here are a few examples:

--Guys who have their t-shirts tucked inside their pants which in turn reach their nipples and their fellas with loose long shirts, you know the ones that reach the knees.
With the first group I shall go to each one individually and pour cement on their shoes so they’ll be stuck to the ground and can’t move. Then I will grab each one’s pants with my bare hands and keep pulling upwards till their testicles come out of their ears and sperm mixed with blood floods out of their noses.
With the second group, I shall force them to duck a little so their shirts can reach the ground and staple them to it. At the same time, one of my other personalities will be out hunting for strong clubs and inserting long nails in them that come out of the other side. This task is very essential for these instruments will be used to bash their skulls.

--Proud BlackBerry owners of the following kinds:
Unemployed or still in university or school.
Holding very low and marginal jobs.
Holding office jobs that do not require them to even leave their seat.
These will be joined all together in a wonderful social networking event and forced to BBM all day and all night till the skin on their fingers decomposes and blood comes rushing out. No one is allowed to stop, they have to type with their finger bones if they had to and the ones who get tired and want to pull out will have to swallow their BlackBerries without the aid of any fluids. At that moment I will start calling them repeatedly till they develop tumors in their stomachs and die on the spot.

--Everyone who rigorously apply hair gel to their hair. In order to get rid of those, I will have to buy all the gel that exists on the planet so they would have to come to me to put it. As I slowly and smoothly grease their hair, I will swiftly feed them goat wool and then pull out a long tube and stick it in their mouths and squeeze all the gel inside. This way the wool becomes fashionably rigid and by now they can’t eat any food because their bellies are full nor can they excrete anything out. Death by bloating…ah sweet life…or death!

--Billionaires and Millionaires who keep working hard and investing in order to increase their wealth. Since these types can never seem to get enough, they will have to be lured inside a big conference hall on the pretence of presenting them with huge investment opportunities. When they’re all inside, the doors will be locked and the roof will open up so that they can be showered with trillions and trillions of money bills which they will think are extra money that will raise their market value even higher. What they don’t know is that this is their own money and it has been lightly coated with a thin invisible layer of petrol. While they’re busy rejoicing in collecting the money, a small flame will be introduced. Talk about a sparkle of hope!

Thirsty for more blood?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Answer: Unknown - Part III

--Why is it that when any form of liquid comes out of a wall it is leakage, but when it’s from a statue it’s a miracle?

--Why is there a sport like ski jumping? Who saw this potential? Who was this bored and decided that normal skiing is no longer satisfying and felt the need to throw himself (it had to be a guy of course) off a cliff while wearing his skis and most importantly had the required amount of stupidity to keep trying (because we all know that he didn’t land on his feet from the first try) until it worked?

--Why are Syrian street (or highway) vendors so many and on what market study do they base their products? What do I need with a gigantic lighter that doesn’t fit inside my car let alone my pocket? Is it designed specifically to set people who wear cowboy hats on fire before giving them a clean shave?

--Why is nudity illegal? How can the most natural form of being be illegal? What fat pig is in charge of running things? We need to have a word…

--Why are objects in the mirror always closer than they appear? We have enough technology to enable us to understand the inner workings of microscopic beings but we still can’t invent a car mirror that’s accurate on distance?

--Why are Sanita’s Gipsy “Long Lasting Toilet Tissues”? I can understand the emphasis on softness levels so they won’t scratch; thickness levels so they won’t rip and cause “accidents”, but durability? Who cares about them being long lasting? In fact the longer lasting they are the longer lasting the evidence is. I think we would prefer it if they dissolved as soon as we’re through with them, right?

Monday, April 11, 2011

Answer: Unknown - Part II

--Why do they tell us “You are what you eat?” and then forbid eating humans? What ever happened to consistency? Stick to your word for once! What am I now? A lettuce? A tomato? A cow? A horse (yes I have eaten those and their meat is succulent!)?

--Why is everybody always in a hurry in this country? Everybody’s driving recklessly, insulting all those who stand in the way, wanting their things done immediately. Where are they going so hastily all the time yet achieving nothing on the scale of the planet? Shouldn’t a hardworking population with superior intelligence change the course of how things are run on Earth? Name one indispensible thing that this genius of a country has offered to the world…Can’t do it, can you?

--What is self-esteem and who is this insecure, deranged person that came up with this concept? “Oh man, I don’t know what to do with myself, there’s too much time on my hand and I can do whatever I want. But no, I’m too grumpy and this world is too big and there are too many harmless things, but somehow they scare me… I know! Let’s have a concept that is intangible and can only be attained by going through a series of ineffective, ephemeral, pointless events that can allow me to own a bunch of things that illogically make me feel good about myself. I will need to invent stuff and ideas and religions to make other people scared and feel inferior to me. Sure I can skip all this and feel good about myself now and move on, but that would be too consistent and worthy of a more advanced species.”

--Why is it that when someone is abroad everybody asks them when they are coming and as soon as they arrive they ask them when they are leaving? Make up your mind, do you want them to come or go?

--Why does every neighborhood in this country have one man, usually in his forties, that takes it upon himself to water the street? We all have this type, you see him waiting anxiously for the summer just to run down to the street in his undershirt, carry a hose and start spraying water everywhere and waving happily to the passersby. Fascinating…

--Why do old people always mention the names of the people who were with them during the events of the story they are telling? 

--Why do people feel proud whenever someone compliments their clothes? What achievement have you done during the process of bringing these clothes to the world that made you feel proud? You didn’t design them, did you? No. Sown them? No. Admit it, you only had the money to buy them and you’re just an idiot who seeks attention, too much of it for that matter…

Monday, April 4, 2011

Answer: Unknown - Part I

--Why do people keep talking to me when I tell them they have the wrong number? “Wrong number? Really? What number did I dial?” Shut the hell up, I don’t care about your idiotic rambling. 

--Why do people always assume that I know that number that just called them and hung up when they don’t? Do you know this number? I don’t know this number. Who could it be? Oh god I must know! Here’s a clue, why don’t you fucking call back?

--Why do people always ask me if I know that person who looks like me? And it’s usually always a person with a different family name. Hey do you know Semsom Zebbelleef? No why would I know him? He looks just like you! And I am supposed to know him because??? Is there a lookalikes club of which I have not been informed? Get the fuck away from me!

--Why do people always say “Thanks” whenever they step out of the elevator on their designated floor? Really, I didn’t do anything; I was just standing here contemplating you, scrutinizing every detail in you to make you feel as awkward as possible, but I had nothing to do with the practice of the elevator lifting you to your destination.

--Why is it that people always bring up someone else’s credibility whenever they’re telling a story (which usually is too embellished and very difficult to swallow)? You don’t believe me ask Semsom Zebbelleef! (Here’s that prick again!) Who the hell is this character and why would he be any less of a liar than you are??!!

--Why is there always a heavy traffic jam on every road in Lebanon during business hours?? They’re the business hours damn it! It’s the time for everybody to be at their work doing business! What? Is everybody in the whole country now working in outdoor sales and product delivery? If so, who is receiving the salespersons and the delivered goods? And don’t ask me what I’m doing on the road during business hours because it’s none of your business…

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