Monday, June 27, 2011

Pointers On Handling Man's Best Friend

1-      Naming it is mandatory.

2-      Play with it as often as possible.

3-      Never underestimate or overestimate its capabilities based on its size.

4-      Avoid exposing it to cold temperatures, unless it’s a husky one.

5-      Avoid leaving it in water for extended periods of time; it will tend to look smaller than it really is.

6-      Drool on it, it may drool on you.

7-      Not picking up what it drops and throwing it away might give birth to a sticky situation. Expect a lot of shit on the road.

8-      The tip of its front is the most sensitive part in its body. 

9-      Never, ever, under any circumstance, show your teeth when it’s near!

10-  When there’s a bone, it’s usually excited. Licking the bone makes it even more excited.

11-  Unless trained otherwise, it will get extremely agitated at the sight of a pussy and will do what it takes to get to it. 

12-  Always go to where it points.

13-  It likes humping so…let it hump! 

Monday, June 20, 2011

Life Is Suicidal

The other day I was having a conversation with one of my personalities and she told me she feels that life has taken its toll on her; it’s not giving her any room to breathe; she feels she’s suffocating. There’s no air getting through.
So I started thinking about how can life do this; why does it try to suffocate us sometimes? How can life subsist without air? If we don’t breathe, life does not exist, it would cease to be…Then it all hit me!

Life is suicidal!!!

If you really think about it, if you keep a close eye on things, you’d notice that life is trying to take its own life. Life has been trying to die since the dawn of time. Most of the species that once existed do not anymore. Earth has been under constant threat from every possible harmful system of destruction. Whether it was objects from outer space hitting it or itself trying to destruct itself. Self Destruction!! Volcanoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, tornadoes, twisters, hurricanes, you name it.

Life is trying to take its own life.

This is why we’ve been created; this is why we have come to exist; to end all life. We’ve been made to pollute, contaminate, poison, defile, corrupt, and wipe out every living form of life on this planet; including ourselves. And get this; we did not settle with just this one, but we also began to seek other life forms on other planets in other galaxies…you know, just to communicate with them, get a glimpse of how they live so we can one day be able to annihilate them.

The messed up part in all of this though is the fact that we fight for our own individual survival.
We’re confused about our purpose in life; about why we’re here. We have this hidden notion that somehow we are immortal; that we’re going to live forever. For when it comes to our personal demise; we refuse to go away peacefully. No!! We immediately put out a fight in order to keep living.

This is why we have built homes, sown clothes, moved from one place to another, procreated, discovered medicine, mathematics, physics, chemistry, invented religion, philosophy, machines, guns, computers, the list goes on and on… We’re a life loving breed, well our own at least.
We fight death till the last breath, which, by the way, when it comes, induces death itself…

What are we doing? Trying to screw life? Well I’ve got news for you, life has been here longer than us all and no matter how we try, it will always find a way to screw us.

People, the sooner you accept this, the better off you will be, and the quicker you can go back to doing your initial job of trying to end life, trying to aid it commit suicide.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I'd Like Them Rare Please

Ah Summer is almost here, it’s just around the corner. “How can you tell?” you ask. Well aside from the extreme heat and the scorching sun, everybody seems to be out and about running along in the sun taking care of business, surviving, pushing each other in the bushes, you know the usual stuff. 

By the way, have you ever seen a documentary about animals during winter in the forest? Have you noticed that as soon as the rain clears up and the sunrays burst through the leaves of the trees, the forest immediately becomes busy with all sorts of creatures? Yeah… 

But I digress; this is not the point here. That’s not what Summer’s about; it is about THE BEACH!!! Millions of people rushing to the place where sand meets water and lying around half-naked (or fully naked in some places) engaging in sun worship; an activity referred to in the modern days as “tanning.”

Which finally brings me to my point. Have you ever taken a close look at tanning and what it really is? Have you ever compared it to…say…cooking? Auto-cooking to be more specific? Because it really is nothing more than that.

“Honey, I’m going to the beach to cook myself now”
“OK babe, love you.” 

Below you will find a list of different tanning techniques; pick the one that suits you best:

Boiling: Go sit in simmering salted water until meat is tight and firm. Make sure to stir often so you get cooked evenly.

Grilling: Lie down on the tanning bed, which incidentally is designed like a grill, until desired doneness is reached. Make sure to flip over regularly so the meat is evenly cooked.

Frying: Apply oil or fat all over the body and leave in the heat. Same as grilling, make sure to flip over regularly until desired browning is reached.

Hot Sand Frying: If you like to roll in the sand, this technique is for you, it is fairly simple. Just make sure you immerse yourself in the sand fully with nothing remaining outside but your nose so as to ensure even oxygen distribution. You can even have someone make sand boobs or sand penis for you just for kicks. 

Broasting: Just like hot sand frying, but it requires that you apply oil or fat on the skin before covering it with sand. 

Baking: Make sure the sand all around you is extremely hot; hot to the point that it can cause 1st degree burns, then sit on top of it, move the parasol over your body so the heat is trapped between it and the sand. No need for flipping over. 

Microwaving: Lift your superficial ass and take it to the nearest of the many tanning salons all over this planet, read instructions on the solarium, or don’t, and stuff yourself inside until nothing’s white about you except your teeth and eyeballs. Exposing yourself to radiation for an extended period of time may cause skin cancer. Peeling the skin is optional.

Now, how would you like your humans, sir?

Monday, June 13, 2011

Guest Life as We Love It...Or Hate It

Guest Post by Fadi Bitar 

- Don't you hate it how the only way you'll get your girlfriend to give you an honest opinion about another girl, is only AFTER you've specifically told your girlfriend that she is waaaay hotter than that other girl you're asking about?

- Men, don't you love it when a woman calls you.. "modern" ? A modern man is one that can cook, clean, dress himself, and is also possibly in touch with his feminine side. A modern man is also a man: He can light up a BBQ, take care of the house, and have enough testosterone to go around. By that same logic, modern women should know how to change the oil on a car, rewire the house's electricity and handle power tools, and make a good lasagna in time for dinner (when it's their turn to cook). And yet, they don't. Most of them don't even know their way around the kitchen or the garage.  It's a good thing we have malls really..

- Men (again), don't you love it how when a relationship starts becoming serious, you get so excited when you see your girl for the first time in sweat pants, her hair in a ponytail and wearing no makeup whatsoever ? It feels like you're seeing her like nobody else has the privilege to, and it feels good for some strange reason. A few more months into the relationship she gets more comfortable around you and you start seeing more of her comfy side, up to the point where "foreplay" becomes braiding the hair on her legs, and all you can think of is "Can we please keep SOME mystery in this relationship ?!"

- And finally, don't you love the word "Selfish" ? Nobody tells you this, but it's actually a compliment. I read it like this: Self-ish ! You're not selfless mother Teresa, but you're not full of yourself (that would be.. self-ful ?) either. You're Self-ish, and therefore your amount of concern with yourself is.. just right.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Life as We Love It...or Hate It - Part IV

--Don’t you hate it how if I asked you right now “which hand do you use to turn the key when you open the door at home?” you wouldn’t be able to answer me without trying it? Automatic behavior! 

--Don’t you love it how when you see a fatal car accident while driving you immediately slow down, say to yourself “I shouldn’t drive fast or I’ll end up like that” then after a minute or so you find yourself speeding towards the sunset once more?

--Don’t you hate it how you find yourself sometimes repeatedly refreshing your Facebook or Twitter homepage or clicking on Profile and then on Home again and again in the hope that some new info would pop up? How pathetic is this? Get a life! Go read a book or something; whatever, just do something that develops you and helps you become slightly better. Take a nap for all I care but close this damn window!

--Don’t you love it how nobody knows what the hell they’re doing or what life is all about and yet we all keep giving out advice left and right (just like I did in the paragraph right before this one)? Could this be the reason why we’re so lost? We keep listening to whoever has anything to say? I mean life is not really that complicated, do we really need a guidebook for every step we make? You wake up, take a crap, eat, go spend your day doing something useless in order to earn a few colored papers that enable you to buy stuff you don’t need but let you bullshit your way around people so you appear important, superior, and more evolved, take another crap, eat again, get laid if you’re lucky and then go to bed in order to start that same shit all over again the next day...unless that rare thing called death occurred… That, ladies and gentlemen, needs no instructions whatsoever! So enjoy your futility while you can, others are waiting in line...  

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