Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I'd Like Them Rare Please

Ah Summer is almost here, it’s just around the corner. “How can you tell?” you ask. Well aside from the extreme heat and the scorching sun, everybody seems to be out and about running along in the sun taking care of business, surviving, pushing each other in the bushes, you know the usual stuff. 

By the way, have you ever seen a documentary about animals during winter in the forest? Have you noticed that as soon as the rain clears up and the sunrays burst through the leaves of the trees, the forest immediately becomes busy with all sorts of creatures? Yeah… 

But I digress; this is not the point here. That’s not what Summer’s about; it is about THE BEACH!!! Millions of people rushing to the place where sand meets water and lying around half-naked (or fully naked in some places) engaging in sun worship; an activity referred to in the modern days as “tanning.”

Which finally brings me to my point. Have you ever taken a close look at tanning and what it really is? Have you ever compared it to…say…cooking? Auto-cooking to be more specific? Because it really is nothing more than that.

“Honey, I’m going to the beach to cook myself now”
“OK babe, love you.” 

Below you will find a list of different tanning techniques; pick the one that suits you best:

Boiling: Go sit in simmering salted water until meat is tight and firm. Make sure to stir often so you get cooked evenly.

Grilling: Lie down on the tanning bed, which incidentally is designed like a grill, until desired doneness is reached. Make sure to flip over regularly so the meat is evenly cooked.

Frying: Apply oil or fat all over the body and leave in the heat. Same as grilling, make sure to flip over regularly until desired browning is reached.

Hot Sand Frying: If you like to roll in the sand, this technique is for you, it is fairly simple. Just make sure you immerse yourself in the sand fully with nothing remaining outside but your nose so as to ensure even oxygen distribution. You can even have someone make sand boobs or sand penis for you just for kicks. 

Broasting: Just like hot sand frying, but it requires that you apply oil or fat on the skin before covering it with sand. 

Baking: Make sure the sand all around you is extremely hot; hot to the point that it can cause 1st degree burns, then sit on top of it, move the parasol over your body so the heat is trapped between it and the sand. No need for flipping over. 

Microwaving: Lift your superficial ass and take it to the nearest of the many tanning salons all over this planet, read instructions on the solarium, or don’t, and stuff yourself inside until nothing’s white about you except your teeth and eyeballs. Exposing yourself to radiation for an extended period of time may cause skin cancer. Peeling the skin is optional.

Now, how would you like your humans, sir?

1 comment:

  1. LOL!! Nice one! I'm trying to recover from forearms sunburn..not because of the beach but I spent 6 hours making photographs outdoors! :|


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