Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Expressions That Should Be Out - Part II

Not that they're directly related, but if you missed the first part, you can check it out here. 

As for the others, here are the additions to the list: 

Complete idiot: Oh yeah? As opposed to what, an incomplete idiot? A half-idiot? How does that work exactly? You tilt your head to the right, you're an idiot, you tilt it to the left you're a Nobel Prize Winner?

Most original: This crap has been brought to this world by the gems of the breathtaking advertising world. “The most original people deserve the most original product.” They never run out of bullshit, do they? I keep thinking someday they will, but they don’t; and mainly because people love to be bullshitted. I don't care if you think that the meaning of the word has changed, I was not invited to any meetings nor have I approved any amendments. Original means origin which in turn means the first of its kind in existence. It’s superlative by nature and adding a superlative modifier to it creates a redundancy. How can you be more than the first? Do you know what comes before number one? Nothing! You’re Zero!

Oh My God: Or its acronym OMG which has been added to the English dictionary lately. For starters, if God exists, chances are he is not yours; you are his because he created you. I say he because it has been historically proven that God is a man and if the bible is not accurate historic evidence then I don’t know what is. Secondly, quit your whining and bitching and stop calling out his name whenever something happens. If he immigrated to another solar system, he did it for a reason; that reason is YOU!

Putting out: This expression is used for a girl who is sexually active and usually “easy” (an easy girl has the sex drive of a guy so the next time you meet a guy you can call him an “easy girl”). They say she puts out and they get usually excited about it. But I don’t know what’s all the excitement about, shouldn’t she be putting in? A penis goes in the vagina or whichever orifice of preference. That’s what they taught me in sexual education class (porn). So the idea of a girl putting a penis out of her vagina repels me…unless I’m not wearing a condom and she puts it out just in time to prevent a catastrophe.

Convenience store: I have been to hundreds of these stores in my life and I am yet to find one single convenience. No one has ever sold me convenience. Do you know how that makes me feel? Very inconvenienced! So if anything, they should really be called inconvenience stores.

Deceased: When a person dies, they say he/she deceased. Why? To cease means to stop so to decease means to stop stopping. And if there is one thing I know it’s that when one dies, one stops continuing. So deceased should really mean born. “Hey Marge, congratulations on your newly-deceased baby!” 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Expressions That Should Be Out - Part I

Since the first uttered word ever, humans have been bragging about how they are the only species that can speak and instantly declared themselves masters of this world. They didn’t do it before because they couldn’t pronounce it and we all know that if you want to claim the title you need to pronounce it.

But too many people abuse language, they abuse words; they combine them illogically to form irrational expressions that they think are philosophically complicated and will make them sound important. Everybody wants to sound important…and smart! There’s no room for idiots anymore.

I am here examining you and let me tell you something, you are idiots! Not you reading this right now, you’re cool and aware of my existence thus enlightened…

Here’s a list of some of these expressions that I want removed from the English language this instant!

This isn’t my day: Well, whose day is it exactly and when is your day anyways? I don’t recall ever hearing about people owning days. The best one could do is own a calendar or have a day attributed to their memory, but that usually happens after death. And no ladies, your wedding day is not your day, I know you like to think of it that way, but the odds are you are sharing it with thousands of people who are getting married on the same day. Sorry to burst your bubble…

Self-taught: You hear people saying “I’m a self-taught pianist” or “I taught myself how to speak (insert language)” etc… Look, you cannot teach yourself anything, OK? In order for one to teach, one should already know. I know this is not always the case with teachers, heck nowadays it is rarely the case, but this is the general rule. You know, you teach. Period. So how did you teach yourself? Did you already know it? If you did, then why did you need to learn it again? What are you a moron?

Middle East/Midwest: This is just nice! You don’t know where you fall on the map exactly so you decided to take everything, didn’t you? Where the hell are you, in the middle? In the East? In the West? Make up your damn minds! No wonder people who live in those areas are so fucked up…

Like taking candy from a baby: People say this about something when they want to show how easy it is. First of all, why would a baby be holding candy? Babies don’t have teeth to chew on anything and they would choke to death if they sucked on a candy. Second of all, who would want to do this to a baby? Stealing candy from babies, you should be ashamed! I hope the next time you do it the baby ejects some vomit in your face.

With a twist: I didn’t mind this when it was used only for vodka and it signaled a twist of lemon, but everyone started using it to describe themselves or their campaign or product or service. Do you know what Lemon can do if it hits someone in the eye? Or worse, if someone had a wound and lemon came in contact with it? Twists are bad. Ever heard of a twist in the ankle? How about a twist in the wrist? This is horrible; it’s a twist that rhymes! Lose the twist…

Grilled to perfection: You see this now on menus everywhere. If all the restaurants are grilling to perfection then what’s the difference between them? Why not just open the same restaurant everywhere? Besides, who are you to say if something is perfect? That’s pretty arrogant of you, isn’t it? Leave that to me, I decide these things. Why else then would you ask me how I would like my meat?

Loved this? Read the second part

Monday, September 5, 2011

Who's To Say What's Best

You preach about loving
About truth, about life
Then you go on offending
Get offended, scream, and jive

You know it’s all this hypocrisy
That has pushed me away from you
You ask if I’m better, I don’t compare
But we both know that it’s true

Let me tell you one thing
If belittling me is what you seek
I’m not the one publishing books
About turning the other cheek

You say it’s human nature
That’s not what you claimed back then
But I guess if I were a chicken
You’d probably turn into a hen

Is it too much for me to ask
For a little truthfulness?
It is too much for you of a task?
Makes you reconsider this omnipotence… 

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