Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Expressions That Should Be Out - Part I


Since the first uttered word ever, humans have been bragging about how they are the only species that can speak and instantly declared themselves masters of this world. They didn’t do it before because they couldn’t pronounce it and we all know that if you want to claim the title you need to pronounce it.

But too many people abuse language, they abuse words; they combine them illogically to form irrational expressions that they think are philosophically complicated and will make them sound important. Everybody wants to sound important…and smart! There’s no room for idiots anymore.

I am here examining you and let me tell you something, you are idiots! Not you reading this right now, you’re cool and aware of my existence thus enlightened…

Here’s a list of some of these expressions that I want removed from the English language this instant!


This isn’t my day: Well, whose day is it exactly and when is your day anyways? I don’t recall ever hearing about people owning days. The best one could do is own a calendar or have a day attributed to their memory, but that usually happens after death. And no ladies, your wedding day is not your day, I know you like to think of it that way, but the odds are you are sharing it with thousands of people who are getting married on the same day. Sorry to burst your bubble…

Self-taught: You hear people saying “I’m a self-taught pianist” or “I taught myself how to speak (insert language)” etc… Look, you cannot teach yourself anything, OK? In order for one to teach, one should already know. I know this is not always the case with teachers, heck nowadays it is rarely the case, but this is the general rule. You know, you teach. Period. So how did you teach yourself? Did you already know it? If you did, then why did you need to learn it again? What are you a moron?

Middle East/Midwest: This is just nice! You don’t know where you fall on the map exactly so you decided to take everything, didn’t you? Where the hell are you, in the middle? In the East? In the West? Make up your damn minds! No wonder people who live in those areas are so fucked up…

Like taking candy from a baby: People say this about something when they want to show how easy it is. First of all, why would a baby be holding candy? Babies don’t have teeth to chew on anything and they would choke to death if they sucked on a candy. Second of all, who would want to do this to a baby? Stealing candy from babies, you should be ashamed! I hope the next time you do it the baby ejects some vomit in your face.

With a twist: I didn’t mind this when it was used only for vodka and it signaled a twist of lemon, but everyone started using it to describe themselves or their campaign or product or service. Do you know what Lemon can do if it hits someone in the eye? Or worse, if someone had a wound and lemon came in contact with it? Twists are bad. Ever heard of a twist in the ankle? How about a twist in the wrist? This is horrible; it’s a twist that rhymes! Lose the twist…

Grilled to perfection: You see this now on menus everywhere. If all the restaurants are grilling to perfection then what’s the difference between them? Why not just open the same restaurant everywhere? Besides, who are you to say if something is perfect? That’s pretty arrogant of you, isn’t it? Leave that to me, I decide these things. Why else then would you ask me how I would like my meat?




Loved this? Read the second part



2 comments:

  1. In order to write something so "grilled to perfection" "with a twist" of deep shalloweness, as easily as "taking a candy from a baby", i'd say you definitly are a "middle eastern, self taught" man who just realized "this is not my day" & i'm gonna let the whole world know it!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. How about: "Who gives a rat's ass" ?
    I don't even want to know who's ever received a rat's ass and got this expression going :P
    Cheers !

    ReplyDelete

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