Monday, May 30, 2011

Life as We Love It...or Hate It - Part III

--Don’t you love it how when in advertising you see or hear “etc.”; “among others”; “and many more” you immediately know that this is all bullshit and there is nothing more?

--Don’t you hate it how you never realized how much tongue usage there is in pronouncing the letter N until now? You do, admit it!          OK OK stop trying it now and keep reading!  

--Don’t you love it how humans love and praise other humans only when they die? Of course! When one dies he/she can no longer compete with the living so he/she becomes loved. Could it be that they feel some sort of compassion stemming from a hidden pride? “We killed the poor guy, he was an excellent fellow but you know we always were stronger than him it was bound to happen one day…”

--Don’t you hate it how when someone wants something from you or they want to deliver good news they call you on the phone, or come visit you or take you out, but whenever there is bad news or the answer is no they send it by sms or email? Why is that? One needs human support during negative times and not positive ones. If you take someone out to lunch to tell them that you are going to fulfill their lifelong dream of buying a new ironing board they would be ecstatic of course, but this would qualify as excessive positivity. Unneeded! Whereas if you go visit some friend with a cheesecake to tell him/her that his/her father died, he/she would say: “OK this is a crappy situation, but hey at least my taste buds are thrilled!”

--Don’t you love the highly elevated level of creativity in the Arab world? Consider the following: they couldn’t even find 12 names for the 12 months so they repeated 2 of them but with a wonderful twist: they added a number!!! You know… I’m not even going to comment on this…



 

Monday, May 23, 2011

Life as We Love It...or Hate It - Part II

--Don’t you love it how the saying “I hit two birds with one stone” is still highly in use? Why? Who still throws stones at birds? Palestinians, the most talented stone throwers in the world, don’t even do it. How did this saying survive anyways? I think only cavemen used this hunting technique and they didn’t even speak or write. So how did the message get through to us? Was it painted on some cave wall? Was it telepathically handed down through the ages? We should seriously revise our everyday language.

--Don’t you hate it how when it’s raining heavily and you have taken every precaution available to keep yourself from getting wet with the thick clothes, the umbrella, the walking under perched balconies, a drop of cold water suddenly comes splashing in your hair? I would rather soak to death and not have that happen. How in hell did it get past this highly advanced fortress of security?

--Don’t you love it how you cannot have a civil marriage in Lebanon but you can still legally register the one you had outside? What does this say about this country? Uncivil is too soft of a word so I won’t use it. Fucked up is overused. I need a different vocabulary or a different way to view this issue…hmmm…What if…no…oh wait…no that’s not right either… I got it! Our country is a victim of a big international conspiracy devised by Cyprus so they can keep profiting from hundreds of Lebanese couples going there to get wed and there’s nothing we can do about it. There you go. Ahhh denial, I rest myself in your sweet loving arms.

--Don’t you hate men colored shirts that have white necks and tips of sleeves? You never see a white shirt with colored necks and sleeves, do you? NO! And you know why? Because it would look hideous. People wearing shirts of that sort should be banned from society and those designing them should be crucified. Maybe on a wooden cross with the edges painted in white.  

Monday, May 16, 2011

Life as We Love It...or Hate It - Part I

--Don’t you love it when someone (or you) speaks about his body as if it was something with a mind and a life of its own? “My body’s getting tired”; “I know my body”; “my body’s trying to tell me this or that”, etc.
OK I’m going to say this once, you are your body and your body is you, you are not something outside of it, you are not just a brain which in turn is, guess what, a part of your body! You are one entity deal with it. It’s you who’s getting tired, you know yourself, and you’re the one trying to tell yourself something. And no this does not qualify as an early stage of split personality. Even if you talk to yourself, you are still sane. It’s yourself talking back to you what you should be worried about.

--Don’t you hate it how girls can now go back to being virgins with only a few bucks? They can just buy a legally distributed artificial hymen and POOF everything is the way it was as if nothing happened. Or so the sales pitch claims.
I don’t like this one bit, and not from a moral point of view as in this is religiously and socially hypocritical; we are all aware of the level of hypocrisy that exists in this region. No, this time I’m jealous; I want an invention like this for guys. We have rights too you know! It’s true that nothing physical happens for us in this sacred split second of deflowering, but something has to change! I should go speak to god about this, if I can find it, and then we’ll see what’s what.

--Don’t you love it how hearing a couple of dirty jokes can harm the children? Sure, developing a sense of humor can severely injure a child’s mind whereas brainwashing this child into worshipping the fat ass of a certain politician and taking him/her to every single protest will make a very fine, well adjusted human being out of him/her.

--Don’t you hate it how whenever you wear shoes that have some sort of design in their sole every pebble in the world seems to fit perfectly in those curves? Does this happen to someone other than me or am I cursed? Whenever I go out walking and come home my shoes transform into tap dancing shoes. It’s like they’re pebble magnets. Yet, whenever I want to throw a pebble at someone, sometimes as a reaction, sometimes for fun, I can never find one. Maybe I should save the pebbles my shoes collect…

Monday, May 9, 2011

Lebanon Wins At The Science Fair

Ibrahim Halawa, Little Stain Science Staff Writer

Congratulations Lebanon!!!

It has been declared today that this tiny country will be receiving the Milky Way Award for Outstanding Biological Evolution!

This long overdue achievement has been finally recognized after eons of research! The ceremony will take place on Pluto this 31st of June.

For those of you who never heard of this award before, let me explain: it is given once every 0.5 billion years to any environment that outdoes nature and produces a new extraordinary organism.

A huge controversy exists of course over whether or not Earth has the right to participate in this competition because Earth was created in 6 days and did not undergo the natural billion-year evolution of your everyday planet and was by itself the success for which God won this award 4.5 billion years ago.

Nevertheless, Lebanon won this time!

Accomplishment:

It is the first terrain ever to be able to create a self-cannibalistic parasitic host. This living thing, dubbed Libanisus Hypocritus, hosts with open arms creatures of other species and/or the same species but lives off of them at the same time. It drains all the blood and energy out of them and if they ever were gifted enough to see past all the cunning and realized it, they would be able to take no more and either flee, go insane or commit suicide.

A study also showed that killing either the male or female forms was ineffective at stopping the spread of the parasite.

This genus is not to be confused with carnivorous plants because plants are not parasites whereas humans are.

Once again, congratulations Lebanon, you did it! WOOP TI DOO!

It is still undecided, of course, who will be attending this event in order to deny such allegations about the Lebanese people. All the sect leaders (the real ones and the ones who claim to be) will be meeting soon in order to choose a date for meeting to decide on this issue.

On a Social Note:

On the light of this announcement, hundreds of non-governmental organizations involved in spending resources and time on studying how such a society can be so welcoming and righteous yet so insulting and immoral at the same time have immediately ceased all operation pertaining to bettering the social situation on the Lebanese soil and found new hobbies.


P.S: The creator of God is still to be located in order to be handed its award.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Creative Slaughter - The Fat Lady Has Sung

If you don't know by now, murder is a hobby of mine.

Now it might seem that I'm going around killing people randomly, but there is a detailed plan; my aim is to rid the world of all evil.

To my regular readers who have gone blood thirsty over the past couple of weeks, check below:

--People who stick their noses in other people’s business and keep asking stupid questions like “who’s this?” “who’s that?” “what are you up to these days?” “why are you so thin?” “why are you so fat?” bla bla bla…
This kind of parasite deserves a special treatment. I shall hang them upside down by tying their legs with a rope attached to the ceiling. This way the blood will rush to their heads. Then I will remove their fingernails and stick them in their eyes, ears and noses so that the blood doesn’t get out. You know, like shutters. Once the face starts swelling and turning blue and mauve I then shall proceed to asking them: “what’s happening to you?” “are you feeling well?” “why is your face blue?” “this isn’t good, is it?” etc.

--Silicone-filled ladies with nose jobs. How to kill these delightful dolls? At first I thought maybe I should keep injecting them with silicone till they explode and their organs spatter all over the place, but then I said no that would be too obvious, too conventional. These princesses deserve a slow painful death. I shall make an incision around every silicone-enhanced organ and remove the implant without sealing the wound. As their faces and bodies start to get covered with blood, I shall be a gentleman and wipe it off with the implants to give room for more blood. When the wounds start to heal I shall cut them open slowly again by separating the flesh with my finger. I will do this over and over again till the heart stops beating. This will all take place of course in front of dozens of mirrors where they can see their fake beauty fading away from every angle.

--Self-proclaimed Lebanese comedians who think they are funny by receiving pity laughs due to the fact that there is no one else on stage or real, from the heart laughs from the idiots who don’t know any better. I will take my time and sit with each and every one of these dull, lame, boring dumbasses and tell them what I really think of them and their stolen material. Hopefully they will commit suicide afterwards. If not, I shall tie them to a chair and make them watch videos of them performing live, after of course ripping off their ears with my bare hands so they can’t hear the thing they love to hear the most: themselves talking. Then I shall remove their tongues with sandstone, place them, along with their ears, in a jar filled with water, vinegar, and salt (yep you guessed it we’re gonna pickle them) and after a few months shove them down their respective throats.

--The persons who stress and worry too much about their careers and what they’re going to do with their lives. Now, I admit, in order to kill this specific group, a lot of innocent casualties will be involved, but how are a few million more dead people going to matter?
With those, I will kill everyone and everything that they hold dear; mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, lovers, fianc├ęs, wives, husbands, sons, daughters, grandmas, grandpas, uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews, cats, dogs, plants, BFF necklaces, anything it takes to make them really understand what matters most in life and that life is fragile, they are mortals, and nothing ever lasts.
By this time, the weaker ones will have committed suicide and if not I will throw them off a bridge; the stronger ones will realize what I mean, get my point and try to gather themselves up and keep moving forward. WRONG! For I shall be waiting with my tank that will roll over them time and time again reducing them into nothing more than a smelly sheet of human paper.

--Everyone who posts a smartass comment. Personalized killing methods available… 
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