Tuesday, August 6, 2013

You Deserve To Develop Genital Cancer

--If you keep your sunglasses on while you’re in the underground metro

--If you think The Big Bang Theory is the greatest sitcom to have ever existed

--If you have a Mohawk haircut and you’re not a Mohawk

--If you call yourself evolved and then support the army

--If you’re a feminist. Although, that wouldn’t change much for you because, who are we kidding; nobody wants to get near your genitals anyway

--If you pay a hundred bucks for a Desigual dress and then call yourself a hippie

--If the only thing you do is pop children out of your genitals

--If you publicly state that you’re sapiosexual. PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS BRAINFUCKER! 

Thursday, July 25, 2013

People That Piss Me Off - Two

--Taxi drivers standing on corners eyeing girls and throwing kisses and pick up lines at every occasion. Yeah because the last time I checked, while growing up, every little girl’s dream is to marry an under-evolved taxi driver…

--People who expect me to apologize for waking them up when I called. Well screw you, you don’t want to be woken up you silence your phone; that’s how the world works!

--Chinese people

--Store owners that frown at me whenever I pass by with a bag full of stuff from other stores. What? You want me to be a loyal customer? Put in a little more effort. You don’t see me getting offended when you brandish your products to other customers like a whore!

--People with “only God can judge me” stickers and tattoos. Guess what? I already judged you and found you to be a retarded moron, you can call me God now.

--People who feel the need to say what it smells like. These people are even worse than those who go “wow it’s so quiet” when it’s quiet. You know you’d be passing in an area that smells like shit and you can all smell it but they feel that it’s their obligation to be Captain Smoke Detector! and go “oh god it smells like shit, it’s horrible! Can you smell that? Can you smell that?” yes we can all smell it, it smells horrible and the last thing we need is your whining on top of it thank you very much!

--Actors in documentaries. So this is it folks huh? That’s as high as your ambition can go? Screw Hollywood, screw artsy movies, screw digging inside your fears to convey the deepest emotions in front of a camera, I’m playing a Neanderthal scratching his butt and smelling his finger afterwards in a low-budget three-hour long independent documentary…

Monday, July 1, 2013

People That Piss Me Off - One

It’s been a while since I’ve made a good rant, or a thousand, so here’s a list of people that piss the hell out of me and whose disappearance from the face of the Earth could give me a good moment of peace before I eventually run into others who are going to be equally or more irritating:

--Guys that hit on their waitress in restaurants. These idiots think that because she smiled the waitress is into them so they start making these stupid lame jokes whenever she’s around and she of course laughs because well, she can’t slap them because, one: she might get no tips and two: they might like it and show her a tip she never wanted to see!

--Strangers (and let’s face it some friends) that feel offended when they come up to me with a question and I don’t answer. Well I was sitting here quietly minding my own business and you came and interfered with the sacredness of that so you should thank your lucky stars I didn’t knock you to the ground and kicked you in the mouth you annoying asshole!

--Guys riding bikes behind other guys and are homophobic to the point that they prefer to fall off to instant death and not touch the guys in front. You'd see them trying to clutch to whatever they can hold on to except the driver's waiste. Hey dumbass, you’re already caressing his butthole with your penis so put a little love in it and wrap your arms around him!

--People who try to assign a meaning to every little detail in a piece of art, “oh did you notice how *drags on his cigarette* this straight horizontal line represents the artist’s lifelong struggle with *drags on his cigarette* illegal substance consumption and…” no, but I noticed that if this line wasn’t there the two men would have nothing to stand on and will eventually fall out of the painting so shut your yapping trap before I make you swallow your cigarette horizontally!

--People who have a story for everything. You all know them and most of you are them. You’d be telling them something in the form of a small sentence like “It’s sunny today I hope it stays like this all day” and it’s enough for them to hear just one word to make them start rambling about some irrelevant story: “Oh no, one should never lose hope, my dad always told me that, he used to always take me on long walks with him and he would tell me all these little…” SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BABBLING ASSWIPE! I HOPE THERE IS A GOD SO THAT SATAN WOULD EXIST AND WHEN YOU DIE HE’D HAVE DIBS ON YOUR SOUL AND WILL BURN YOU IN AN EVERLASTING FIRE FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER! 

Monday, April 8, 2013

God Just Got Her Period

Contrary to popular belief and to what everyone has been telling you all your life, God is not a man; God is a woman. Here’s the proof:

--She’s moody, extremely moody! In one book she’s vengeful, in another she’s loving, in another she’s judgmental, in another she’s fearful etcetera etcetera etcetera

--She’s always watching you and judges everything you do

--She is always right

--She never forgets anything you do

--She’s jealous, she never lets you worship other gods but her and almost all of her decision-making staff are men who wear dresses and discriminate against women

--She’s subtle and mysterious; millions of books have been written about her trying to interpret her words and still no one understands what she’s all about, not even women!

--She’s insecure and keeps testing your love for her by coming up with illogical rules like “you can’t eat apples” for example

--She wants the weekend all to herself

--She wants to know what you’re thinking all the time

--She always needs money

--She always needs praise

--And finally, she never has anything to wear! 

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