Sunday, December 21, 2014

I'm On a Diet

I don’t eat this it’s too salty
I don’t eat that it’s too sweet
I don’t eat this it has poultry
I don’t eat that it has meat

Does this contain Gluten?
Oh no can’t touch that dish
It’s wrong to eat animal feelings
And I usually don’t like fish

Vegetables get me bloated
I can’t eat too much fruit
I don’t drink a lot of water
Or I can’t button up my suit

I’m allergic to nuts
I’m allergic to skin
I threw up my guts
I tied my intestine
I don’t eat this
I don’t eat that
I don’t eat anything with fat
I don’t drink
I don’t smoke
Coz I think I’m going to choke

You know what?
If only it were Bio
I’d try to eat shit
But judging by this poem
I’m already full of it!  

Thursday, June 19, 2014

The Thing With Racism

Whether you like to admit it or not, we all have racist thoughts, after all we all have a little racist inside us - or a big one, you know, depending on its race – and sometimes these thoughts find themselves out in the open, hanging in the form of words for everyone out there to hear.

But fear no more! For I have compiled a list of tactful excuses you can use to get yourself off the hook. So whenever you find yourself in a room that you’ve awkwardly silenced because of your extremely honest remarks on a certain group of people, you can break the silence by employing one or more of the following sentences:

-I’m not racist; I’m just a statistics aficionado

-I’m not racist; I hate people from the same race as mine as well

-I’m not racist; in fact I have never been able to enjoy the sight of a rainbow, that's how colorblind I am! 

-I’m not racist; I don’t even like fast cars

-I’m not racist; I’m just highly selective

-I’m not racist; I’m not even white

-I’m not racist; I also dislike mixed people

-I’m not racist; in fact I have two monkeys at home

-I’m not racist; but I’m quite observational

And last but not least:

-I’m not racist; I treat all genetic anomalies equally!

You can thank me later

Thursday, January 9, 2014

The Importance of Being Penis

Most women complain how they cannot find a sensitive man that can immediately discern their mood – as if they can – and nurture their emotional need for constant hugging and answers to questions that basically don’t mean anything and are usually asked the second you lay your head on the pillow. 

They also make fun of the special relationship that exists between a man and his penis and how the latter makes practically all the decisions, but what they don’t do is admit that if a man has a broken penis, you know, a limp penis that can’t even stand straight with a crotch crutch, they would dump him without even thinking twice. They never mention this, do they? Hell, the inability of a man to perform in the bedroom can eventually be held against him in the courtroom and is considered a legal basis for divorce! A penis is the only broken organ in the body that can do that; a dead brain doesn’t get you a divorce, a broken leg doesn’t either, you don’t see many women going: “Your honor, I want a divorce, he doesn’t run marathons with me and I’ve just had it with this life!”

So ladies, if you want a man that can only hug you all the time, go get yourself a gay friend, if you want a man that can poke you in your special region, stop poking at him, you don’t know how much nurturing a penis needs, he needs to hear kind words and to be caressed constantly so quit your whining and give us a hand down there!

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